Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
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I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
#oldknees
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Moms. The original autocorrect.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭