Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall

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I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.


[pulls up after first date]

Me: well, this is my place

Her: a bouncy house?

Me: you expected a bouncy castle? IM SORRY “YOUR MAJESTY.”


Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?

Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.


Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is


“Yes, I need to check in.”

“Sir, this is a burn unit.”

“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”


Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene


*rides off into the sunset*

*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*

*rides off into the sunset*


“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.

“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.

“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”