“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
![]()
You Might Also Like
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
![]()
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Cake safety first. Always.
![]()
Rare photo of two submarines racing
![]()
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it