“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
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“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
How do you milk an almond?
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles