[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
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My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
a New Yorker reject, for you
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
We wanted a small, tasteful wedding. No friends, no family, no bride. Just me, sitting alone, ordering Uber Eats
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Feels like there should be a middle ground
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.