[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
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some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
My kitchen overserved me.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers