I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
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When someone says they have a surprise I quickly tell myself it’s probably not cake. I’m tired of the let down.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Priest: They’ve written their vows
Wife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
You know its my phone if it looks like someone fingerpainted the touch screen in donut glaze.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
I was stood behind a woman in a Q at the supermarket today. Her daughter maybe 6 was hassling her for Candy.
Her mom kept refusing ,and 6 got increasingly angry until she turned around looked me in the eye and exclaimed loudly “i saw mommy kissing daddy’s winkie last night”
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
2 just lectured me for not having bacon in the house and brought me my shoes and pants….how’s your Sunday going?