[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
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How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?