Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: did you have fun on your playdate?

my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?

I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.

It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived

The best things in life are free.

Stealing is awesome.

I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one

opens dishwasher…

Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot

ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you

Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁

My CW just barked.

Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.

my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated

My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this

what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again

Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika

Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.

Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.

Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.

Elephant Son: What is?

The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van

[sees friend at the store]

“Hi”

Hey

“Where’s your better half?”

The PS4’s at home

“No I mean-”

Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.

My dog: PLAY WITH ME!

Me: *grabs toy*

My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….

My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.

I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.

Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.

Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.

This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒

“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten

Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.