Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”

When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work

I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.

Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.

Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird

Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months

Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing

If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.

“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”

🍛

The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.

I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.

We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.

My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.

me: ever heard of quasimodo

him: doesn’t ring a bell

me: i assure you he does

If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.

Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.

CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters

Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.

ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.

Friend: any plans for the fall?

Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?

SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive

Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?

SEGA:

Nintendo:

SEGA: well that would have made sense

There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.

Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.

ME: I’ll take it

AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here

ME: perfect

guys I’m going home

i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.

WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.