Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
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Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Who says great literature is dead?
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.