Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
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thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Yup.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
I basically called this earlier today
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.