Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
You Might Also Like
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Not all heroes wear capes….
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van