Already got one
You Might Also Like
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
whatever you do don’t give your heart away for christmas, this one dude never got his back and won’t shut up about it
archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television
good news everyone
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.