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I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
at ease…shoulder.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.
My bladder: Hahaha.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that