Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
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Grandmother clock.
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Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
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Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Thursday
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Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
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Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
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Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse