Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.

The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.

doctor: do you use recreational drugs?

me: no

doctor: you don’t have to lie to me

me: yeah i know, but i like to

I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”

There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler

If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.

Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?

what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.

“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”

My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing

*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*

*buys all the lottery tickets*

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.

wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english

I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.

Why are the pyramids in Egypt?

Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.

I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”

John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real

These quiet electric cars are really annoying… I have to stop scrolling and look up while walking outside now!

Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.

Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.

So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.

*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*

JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.

ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.

My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.

Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.

Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.

…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse

Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.

Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.