Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Best part about marriage?

NO MORE CONDOMS!!!

Worst part about marriage?

No more sex.

I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”

me: hi, I have no power at my house

power company: ok, when did it happen

me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift

If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.

The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.

Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.

HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.

Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.

Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex

I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.

“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”

-if animals made nature shows

Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*

Priest:

Me:

Priest: Look she might come back

7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers

2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014

*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?

First Date:

Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?

Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)

[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]

ME: Thank you all for coming

37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?

the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts

If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.

I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.

Me: *standing on the subway platform*

Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”

Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.

….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.

Hell yeah 👍

friend: i’m just going to date myself

me: you can do better

The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.

On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.

OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE

Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp

If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son

jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run