Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.
You Might Also Like
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap