Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.
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*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
ouch
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.