Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.
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When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”