Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see

Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.

The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends

We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?

If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.

I can’t unsee it now

FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime

ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-

THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out

Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.

“Traaains”

– traveling zombies

You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.

Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.

Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”

Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”

me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*

[harry potter at work]

Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?

Harry: a basilisk, yes

Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*

I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”

“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”

*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?

4-year-old: That chicken is weird

Me: What chicken?

4-year-old: That chicken

Me: That’s a whooping crane

4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken

i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic

First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.

My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard

But only one at a time because quarantine

Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint

Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.

Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.

I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.

Carl: So hot today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.

Me: Fair enough.

[Rain]

Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes

Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.

Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?

Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.

My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.

Dear people who think every tweet is a “subtweet” about you,

IT’S NOT.

except for that one from earlier

maybe?

Regards,
Ry