Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
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If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep