Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
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If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
She was REALLY feeling it.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis