Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep

[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall

If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.

I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.

Dear plastic wrap,

I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.

– me

Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.

Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.

dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing

me (slyly): yes

Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.

“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.

Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.

They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.

me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go

Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.

Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.

Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!

Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*

Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?

*Biden raises hand*

Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?

*Biden lowers hand*

[1st day as criminal sketch artist]

Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….

Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper

ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*

if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”

Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!

Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.

I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts

Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.

I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.

-why spelling matters

if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk

I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.

Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.

Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*

Me: No good

Wife: Why not?

Me: Seems shady

Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*