Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HIP-STAR WARS:

Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper

I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts

Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™

that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.

[in the park]

ME: aww look a baby

WIFE: is it on me?!

ME: um no it’s in a stroll-

WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME

Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up

Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.

If you love someone, tell them.

If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.

Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.

why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits

Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.

hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING

ethics professor: ur failing my class

me: [slides over $20] how about now

[Company Christmas luncheon]

Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?

Me: Ugly sweater contest?

GOD: *invents mouse* I like it

MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha

GOD: *invents cat*

I never know how much to tip a cow.

Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?

kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again

[christmas]

BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!

ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.

If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.

I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.

hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺

Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us

Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.

My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.

My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.

That about sums up motherhood.

i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.

I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem

[CSI at Starbucks]

“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”

Barista: At what?

“At large”

At what?

“At venti?”

OMG HOW AWFUL!!!