Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.

I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.

*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness

my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included

surgeon 1: open mike night tonight

surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time

surgeon 1: haha

surgeon 2: haha

Mike: what

Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

God: take it

Satan: no you take it

God: no you take it

Satan: i dont want it

God: well its no good to me

Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name

Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?

I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now

Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.

i prefer mine room temperature.

My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.

Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.

I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.

I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.

I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!

“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.

Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.

Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.

I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.

Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:

[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it

If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.

Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe

Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent

My 7yo casually told me he added a parachute to my Amazon cart that needed to be purchased soon with no additional explanation.

Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.

Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?

Me- you said lets do Yoda together

H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE

M- VERY WRONG I WAS

[College admissions office]

“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”

ME: that’s wack

Let me make something perfectly clear.

– Anyone who has washed a window