Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong

My kids accidentally knocked down Elfie and what followed was a total freak out about how he’ll lose his powers.

But I eventually calmed down.

Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.

My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.

Eventually they’ll break.

Apple is releasing new product information today.

That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.

[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]

Me: how many am I allowed

Guy: just one

Me: we’ll see

Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.

NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!

DR DOG: You’re joking, right?

In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.

Baby showers are so weird.

It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.

just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running

“I just can’t help myself!”

—paramedic on his deathbed

My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.

The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.

Hippocrates did very well for himself,

considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.

I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.

Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.

Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover

Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over

Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk

Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.

ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that

My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.

Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?

A taxi.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum

Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.

I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.

This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.

Man’s guide for a selfie:

1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie

No, Autocorrect ….

the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –

though she can be devilish at times.

My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma

Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.