Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
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I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
that de-escalated quickly
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.