Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“All you can control is yourself,” I told myself as though I’d never seen my Mastercard statement

The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline

How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.

People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical

Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation

All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.

Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be

Good neighbors never bother you.

Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.

Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.

Now you’re ready to have kids.

Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.

BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal

That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman

Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around

My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.

The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window

Erm…

(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun

Yes, I would take a bullet for you.

We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?

Croquettes are not female crocodiles

There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.

My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE

“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”

As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

Boss: you’re late

Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court

Boss: I hate you

Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.

“Yogurt!”

Gurt: “Yes?”

As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.

Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.