Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.

#MousseDay #RubbishJokes

That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..

For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.

I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.

So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..

Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?

I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.

The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.

I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.

Me: Did you use my highlighter?

2-year-old:

Me:

2:

Me:

2: No.

Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.

*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*

*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.

Server: Would you like another glass of wine?

Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time

Server: For the wine?

Me: No, for silly questions

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are

Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess

My safe word is now just a dry cough.

It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.

Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me

Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.

Now I feel sick

Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?

[train]

MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]

MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”

[coat rustles excitedly]

I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.

Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*

White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE

My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”

I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.

My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.

I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.

Word of the day:

Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.

Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”

As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”

Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.

People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice