Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference

Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?

Me: your what?

Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: I’m confused

Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: *crying* someone help me

Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.

Me: what should I say instead of bull-

Wife: shhh say snake instead.

Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.

Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???

Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.

Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day

Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends

Neo:

Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland

Neo:

Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle

Neo: What-

Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle

[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?

“Bring your own beer”

Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat

Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her

I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.

Capitalist: Hi

Anti-Capitalist: hi

HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again

Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.

purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?

Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what

* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *

Crab : My eyes are up here.

kidnappers: get in the car

me: i want to sit in front

No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.

Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.

The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing

me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards

cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok

Twitter has ruined me.

Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.

Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.

GOOD COP: cover me!

DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug

I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.

I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.

Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture

[later]

Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt

Say it with flowers.

If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.

I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.

I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.