Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
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I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
mom had nothing to worry about
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes