Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/FujmjEAXoAAgrGB.mp4

[Me, a famous art thief]

Art Garfunkel: Please put me down

“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.

0/10 stars, would not recommend.”

– Super Mario Bros. Online review

{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go

A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.

“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.

A group of toddlers is called a migraine

I’m not lazy

I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.

Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you

The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.

Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.

Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.

Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.

Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?

the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”

The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.

#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭

i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs

I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.

I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years

peter parker: i’m broke i need a job

mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…

peter: yes! that’s it

mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-

peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper

It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead

My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.

Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.

I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.

[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip

I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool

“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart

My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.

Put the is in disheveled

I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.

Me : I will never work for my boss again…

She : Why ? What did he said to you??

Me : ‘You are Fired’

Creepy-crawlies