Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
You Might Also Like
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
🍛
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.
This joke is 7 years old
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.