Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
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Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona