Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
You Might Also Like
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
How wrong was this guy?
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods