“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
You Might Also Like
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Perfect
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
🤣could you imagine
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Why do we never do that thing we never did anymore?
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.