“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
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Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*