Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.

mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice

waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water

10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*

• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.

Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.

If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk

1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.

1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*

2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME

The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-

There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.

some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon

[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*

“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”

*Hipsters clear*

[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now

“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985

9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.

*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰

It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now

I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.

*Joseph rolls eyes

Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.

A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.

“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.

Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.

When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.

Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.

(first day as a bartender)

customer: fifth of scotch.

me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.

[trying to make a new friend]

…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go

Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…