Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
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[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.
They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.