Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?

You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.

4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?

Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!

Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings

My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face

I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit

“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster

For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk

WAITER: what can I get you?

ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having

WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*

Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.

There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar

*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*

Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.

Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.

I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.

The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands

INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?

ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.

Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.

[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]

[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.

ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES

My wife and I were leaving for our night out.

Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’

That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.

Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.

Him: How does my football throw look to you?

Me: Like you’re good at science…

FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.

A game married people play.

‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.

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The Chosen Phew

if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco

“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”

[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]