Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
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I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Always go for the Lonewolf, unless they are insane, then go for someone else.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.