Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
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Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.