Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
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As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
What do you hear?
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music