Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]

Me: It’s muggy out there.

Guy: I’ll be fine.

*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.

M: Told you.

Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?

Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can

It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.

“Don’t tread on me.”

– out-of-order sign on a treadmill

What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.

What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.

“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know

Wait …

“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….

and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?

Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?

This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.

the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth

me: a lot of people are saying that

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.

My friend asked if I had any spare cash to pay for his straw.
Unfortunately l hadn’t got the bale money

I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.

I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance

I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.

Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.

Me: Thank you.

Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.

A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook

My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.

Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.

Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s

Genie: done

Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy

Me: shhh

Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia

I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.

If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍

me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol

waiter:

me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha

waiter: where are ur clothes

My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it

Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha

Me: I don’t get it

Early bird: I do

Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:

A thread.

Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.

brian had himself a morning…

Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?

Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*

Judge: Case dismissed.