Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.

Get in, there’s no time to explain.

My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.

I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.

If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.

I know that now.

I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.

A book written by and for chickens is called a bok

it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am

Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny

Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.

Mad Max: Furry Road

“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”

(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)

ants: seize him

Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….

“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”

Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner

I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.

Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive

Remember folks 😂

How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.

So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.

Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.

me: point taken lol

guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening

I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?

Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.

Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?

Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.