also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
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Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member