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like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Fun Things
I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah