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I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN