Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.

Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.

[my deathbed]

Kid: Mom where are my shoes?

website: do you accept cookies?

me: into my heart as my Lord and savior

Nobody ever told me that this was an option.

My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”

Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th

An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.

Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.

[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*

God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?

Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats

whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”

Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.

Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*

Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”

Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?

Today I went to the bank and asked if they had an atm. The guy said they had a drive thru. I said oh I walked here. He said that’s fine. I had to wait in line behind a car like this 🧍🏻‍♀️

Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law

I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.

According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.

This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan

remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool

Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.

Her: Don’t you have a child?

Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.

A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

Me: I can’t do anything right

Therapist: You’re in my chair

Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”

Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”

Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.