Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
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To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
Lady, if you have five nearsighted kids the same age then you probably have bigger problems than me calling them “squintuplets”
don’t we all
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.