also my go-to takeaway order
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A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.