also my go-to takeaway order
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The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.