also my go-to takeaway order
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Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
me and my fake scenarios
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
How times have changed.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure