Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[orders pizza]

Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?

Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.

The lost art of being “wishy washy.”

I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul

Them: We’ve made this idiot proof

Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*

me: hey dad will you pass the turkey

dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son

I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.

Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!

Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.

if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life

If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.

Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒

Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?

Me: Boiling water?

Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.

Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…

You look like you would fail a DNA test

“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.

[the creation of nostalgia]

GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings

ANGEL: okay

GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings

ANGEL: uh—

GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again

ANGEL: dude what is your problem

Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.

Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids

Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.

PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible

mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?

when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye

Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!

My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.

I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

#HatDadJoke

I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.

When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.

What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.

🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?

And that’s why you clean your room, kids.

me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-

british gas:

When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician