Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
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what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
A late person is never happier than when the person they’re meeting is later than them
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.