Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
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Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently
At urgent care with my 8yo
Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.😆
(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)
Body by sandwich.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
They got Raph!
Self checkout is amazing for introverts until the machine breaks and two employees have to come fix it while you wait
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*