Alternate reality. 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
You Might Also Like
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m鈥檚 you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it鈥檚 just a thicc m&m and that鈥檚 the m&m i鈥檇 like to be if I were an m&m
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
if i text you “馃ぉ” it means i have a starfish over each eye
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
鈥K, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 馃幎 I’m too sexy for my shirt 馃幎 Too sexy for my shirt 馃幎
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
I buy seedless grapes because let鈥檚 leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane