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Netflix and scream at our children?!
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
“This Tweet has been deleted.”
A thread 🧵
