Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
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I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
sigh
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
life lately
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name