Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
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Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE