Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.

[hosting a party]

Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.

Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*

Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?

My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us

My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.

rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600

Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.

[Hydra command meeting]

Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!

Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.

i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”

[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.

Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.

GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..

Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*

Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!

Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie

Devil: I’ve got an idea

How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?

What the hell did you order?

– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving

1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.

[Company Christmas luncheon]

Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?

Me: Ugly sweater contest?

wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?

me: she thought she could fly

wife: did you yell at her?

me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen

*at plastic surgery consultation*

Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”

Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”

my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault

One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?

One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….

The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.

“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”

I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one

I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.

I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.

Her: I read on Facebook…

Me: I’m going to stop you there.

Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.

My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.