Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]

*knocks on bathroom stall wall*

Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

“Huh? What?”

It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]

Did a trash talking tree write this?

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.

*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.

Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.

About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me

My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.

All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.

[helps little old lady across street]

ME: so can I be in your will?

When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside

thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.

They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i mend relationships

professor boyfriend: oh wow

Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car

“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.

[Gender reveal party]

Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?

Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.

Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.

I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside

[ after a spat ]

Me: Are you still mad at me?

Her: I guess not.

Me: [ reaching for her ]

Good!!!

Her:

captain: any leads in the diarrhea case

detective: nothing solid

[DATE]

ME: I’m a literature buff

HER: who do you read?

ME: read?

*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*

I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.

Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day

I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!

I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……

inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.

Hostage: [screaming]

Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!

Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]

I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73

I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.