Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.

Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.

I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.

Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.

Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.

[Ninja Dojo]

Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?

Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.

[first day at mcdonalds]

guy: can i get a large fry

me: you mean like a potato

Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.

“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”

-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-

I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.

People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.

My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.

I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife

Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.

*grabs mixing bowl*

[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.

“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”

Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.

My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!

[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]

[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]

8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored

How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow

It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.

It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.

~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter

just gave your address to some spiders

“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.

So many chores, so many kids to do them for me

I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”

screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉

Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat

*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*

🖕🏻👽

Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”

Me: “Got it.”

*shits pants*