[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
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Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
I need to sieze this.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
