Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.

I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.

How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face

Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution

Me: what do you mean?

i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls

Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first. 

When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.

I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.

On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten

FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk

They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.

[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we

Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?

Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.

Grocery store

Me: reach something for me?

Tall guy: sure thing!

Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.

I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”

Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.

The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going

This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021

I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

You could say I’m on stand-bi.

[three days after inventing phone]

*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*

Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs

Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!

Losers.

My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.

Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..

Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”

If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.

Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁