Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
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MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
*Drunk dials Mr. Clean
My house is soooooo dirty right now.
God gives his toughest battles to his bravest soldiers (I am comfortable in bed and left my water on the dresser)
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!