Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
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“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.