Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
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I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
I really had high hopes for this year though
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???