[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
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First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Me when I’m ovulating
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
apparently this year was written by stephen king