Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.

I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.

Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.

*stirs coffee with knife*

*licks knife*

“Let’s do this”

*wakes kids for school*

Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.

It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?

I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad

[first day as a mover]

boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.

me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S

I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.

If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?

[dinner party, setting out the main]

Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!

Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.

DIE HARD (1988)

Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.

The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!

Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!

Very funny Mom!

“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”

Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices

Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.

no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french

I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning

friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out

me: old?

Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.

my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.

She said she liked it doggy style…

…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.

i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog

the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal

Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on

I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.

Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.

Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.

interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words

me: mathematically challenged

I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back