Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II

ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya

I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.

dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse

“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.

“Paper or pl..”

..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…

“I’m not saying ‘me'”

ME! OMG we did it again!

“…”

if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.

any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly

Always 🥴

*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*

Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.

Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*

Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?

Me: I got it for my girlfriend.

Indian Chief: Good trade.

I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.

My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.

Captain’s Log:

Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.

Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.

Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?

Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.

Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?

Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.

Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”

The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’

Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me

Me: what is my final challenge

*dragon appears*

Me: oh no

Dragon: spell necessary

Me: OH NO

An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.

Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow

I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.

I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.

I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.